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In this BIT: Feeling lonely? If you’re thinking: “yes, I feel lonely”, you’re in the right place. Keep reading for our tips on how to feel less alone.
Folding laundry can make you happier. So can pumping gas. There is one catch: You can’t do it alone.
Dr. Elizabeth Dunn is a happiness researcher at the University of British Columbia. Her verdict is blunt: “I think we spend too much time alone.” In fact, she mentions that a study found that “basically every activity of the day people enjoy more if they do it with others.” This includes “things like pumping gas, or banking, or doing laundry.” The other person doesn’t have to be in the room. Dunn suggests “using the time you’re doing laundry to call your mom, or call your cousin, or call your friend you haven’t talked to in a while.”
Most of us think a happier life needs more free time. This says something else: you already have the time. It’s the time you spend on chores, on errands, on the walk to work. The key to feeling less alone is just adding company.
The company can be small. Dunn’s research found “even seemingly trivial social interactions, like with the barista at Starbucks, can actually improve people’s mood.” You’re ordering coffee anyway. Add “hi, how’s your day going, and actually listen to them.”
So why do we hold back? Psychologist Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky has studied happiness for more than thirty years. Overall, she’s found that “people think the other person wants to stop the conversation sooner than they actually do.” Both people think it. Both people are wrong. Her advice fits in four words: “talk more to others.”
Introverts, this advice for feeling less lonely is for you too. Dunn says that data shows you get just as much out of a party or a chat at the coffee counter as anyone else. “It will be a positive for your mood.”
The bigger payoff comes when company becomes a habit. Nancy Easton founded Wellness in the Schools. She runs with friends on set days each week. “A week goes by and you may not talk to that friend all week, but then you show up and you catch up on your week. Year after year, you’ve built such a friendship.” All in all, it’s never too late to start or join a group or club. Scientist Dr. Lauren Colenso-Semple’s mother retired, moved, and joined a hiking group. “At 70 years old she has a whole new group of friends.”
How do you begin? Restaurateur Will Guidara keeps it simple: “take the next hour, pick someone you care about, reach out, and plan something you love doing together at some point in the future. It might be four months from now, but get it on the books.”
Or start smaller. Look at what’s already on your list today. Pick one thing. Next, add a person. Overall, the key to not feeling alone isn’t anything intense or secret, it’s simply involving people in your daily routine. We hope that this inspires you to re-connect with someone in your life, bringing you a Small Bit of Happiness.
For more happiness check out our Mood Boost page.
Featuring quick videos created for teens by teens.
Our thanks to the guests whose advice shape this piece. Their conversations on the Hack Your Happiness podcast keep paying off long after the cameras stop, and their books, research, and work are worth your time. Explore their work below.
Dr. Elizabeth Dunn, happiness researcher and co-author of Happy Money and Leave the Lights On. Learn more at happyclimate.org
Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, psychologist and author of The How of Happiness. Learn more at sonjalyubomirsky.com
Nancy Easton, founder of Wellness in the Schools. Learn more at wellnessintheschools.org
Dr. Lauren Colenso-Semple, muscle physiology researcher and science communicator. Learn more at drlaurencs.com
Will Guidara, restaurateur and author of Unreasonable Hospitality. Learn more at unreasonablehospitality.com
