In this BIT: How can you say no to people or events? Here’s our guide on how to set healthy boundaries with ease.
You already know the “yes” to which I’m referring to right now. You gave it through a clenched smile this week, to a favour or a meeting, while something in you quietly complained. Organizing expert Shira Gill has a colder read: “we say yes out of fear mostly… fear of missing out, fear of disappointing people… fear of being seen as difficult or ungenerous.” We feel guilty saying no, so we say yes for the sake of ‘good manners.’
Gill puts it clearly: “every yes is also a no to something else.” The evening you promised away was already spoken for: by rest, by your own work, by people you love more than the person/event you felt that you couldn’t refuse. But how can you protect your yes? Keep reading for our guide on how to set boundaries.
Holly Singer, founder of the Milk Jar Candle Company, calls herself “a recovering people pleaser”. When you spend too much energy on pleasing people, “you’re just full of resentment doing this thing you don’t want to do, yet you think you’re being nice, and it’s actually not nice, it’s not nice to you and it’s not nice to them.” Her cure is plain: “sometimes people will be mad at you, and adults can handle disappointment, people can handle being disappointed.” The person asking is sturdier than your guilt assumes. They’ll be okay if you say no.
So what does saying no and creating healthy boundaries buy? Workplace wellbeing leader Jen Fisher says “you have to say no to certain things so you can say yes to yourself.” Former Google executive Jenny Wood built a whole trait around it in her book Wild Courage: “Brutal is the courage to protect your time, your energy, and your priorities. It’s the power of no. So I say no a lot.” Professional climber and performance coach Hazel Findlay raises the stakes: “the more your boundaries get breached by people… that’s going to erode your self-trust and your self-confidence.” Every guilty yes teaches you that your own word can be overruled.
How can you say no? Shira Gill has a formula: “lead with a compliment and with gratitude for the offer and then a very firm, clear no.” Her filter is shorter still: “if I can’t say a clear yes, it’s a no.” And in reality, when you keep your yes reserved for what you truly care about, you can show up much more fully for what matters.
That internal feeling of guilt insists saying no takes something from someone. However, when you say no, you hand something back to the person asking: an honest answer now, and a full version of you later. As Gill puts it, “saying yes through kind of gritted teeth is not going to do anyone any good.” Say no warmly. Set healthy boundaries clearly. Then spend the hours it saves on a yes you actually mean.
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Featuring quick videos created for teens by teens.
A heartfelt thank-you to the guests of the Hack Your Happiness Podcast whose advice shaped this piece. We hope you will explore their work, follow what they create, and bring their ideas into your daily life.
Shira Gill, home organizing expert and bestselling author. Learn more at shiragill.com
Holly Singer, founder of Milk Jar Candle Company. Learn more at milkjarcandle.com
Jen Fisher, workplace wellbeing leader and author. Learn more at jen-fisher.com
Jenny Wood, former Google executive and author of Wild Courage. Learn more at itsjennywood.com
Hazel Findlay, professional climber and mental performance coach. Learn more at hazel-findlay.com
